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December 11, 2009 / schulerbooks

An IMDB Addict Reforms: Upcoming Movies I Refuse to Learn About

This article is meant to coincide with the release of James Cameron’s Avatar. I’ve already seen it, thirty seconds at a time.

Is there some thing(s) wrong with the movie industry? Aren’t movies made like they used to be? Or aren’t people entertained like they used to be? The thrill of going to the movies has arguably been on the decline for years now, and many blame the overuse of special effects, the dumbing down of blockbusters, the existence of blockbusters, and the poorness of contemporary professional moviemakers, among other things. Believe what you want. For me, just one thing ruins the experience. Overexposure.

The Internet Movie Database has been a biblical source of cinema genealogy to me for years. When I hear someone ask, ‘Who the heck is that guy?’ I respond, ‘That’s Ted Raimi, the director’s brother. Haven’t you noticed his bit parts in all of Sam’s movies? You can also recognize him as the satellite specialist who helps Harrison Ford analyze the impact crater in Clear and Present Danger.’ Yes, IMDB has helped me a lot, introducing me to Rose Byrne, Alison Lohman, and Alex Reid from The Descent, rekindling my fondness for Michael Wincott, leading me to believe Channing Tatum had chops, and warning me about the fake ending to The Descent.

But it’s got to stop…

All the online attention given to movies these days has made the industry more of a source of entertainment than the products it makes. Instead of focusing on the movies and learning tidbits about the production, people have become more interested in the making of the movies than the stories they tell. This could be a result of people’s long fascination with the wonders and mysteries of moviemaking; newer technological trends and communications have made it easier to learn about things that were secrets for years. And now the nerds who’ve wanted to know these things for so long, and who must put everything online (wait a minute…), are trafficking their movie gossip daily, destroying the magical aura that once made the movies so irresistable.

Time to rebel!

The rampant overexposure of unreleased movies has caused me to create a list of upcoming movies that I refuse to learn about. Movies that I cannot have spoiled for me. If the studios won’t stop the action- and plot-ruining previews that get more desperate the closer the release date comes, 5-minute exclusive clips, behind-the-scenes special effects features, online spoilers, backlot politics, cast interviews, and red-band trailers, then it’s up to me to take the initiative, and just ignore all that jazz. So listen up, studios, here’s a handful of movies, in no particular order, that are guaranteed to make you eight bucks each.

  1. Inception, Christopher Nolan
    I love everything from Christopher Nolan, from Following to The Dark Knight. Warner Brothers actually did an amazing job of cloaking The Dark Knight in spite of the media storm it created, and released one of the most shocking and awe-inspiring movies ever experienced. With Inception, another relatively under-the-radar buffer between Batman movies, Nolan ventures into the wide world of physics (well, after The Prestige) to give us…uh… something fricking amazing, I bet. One teaser trailer online; it’s all I’m allowed.
  2. Predators, Nimrod Antal
    Producer Robert Rodriguez wants to do a Predator movie. Antal directs Armored, which is out right now and appears mediocre. Predators transports a motley crew of humans to the Predator homeworld, which has pressed me to speed up my own Predator story before my imagination is stained by Rodriguez’s vision. He’s a dynamic guy, but hopefully Antal can make it his own. That’s it for politics. See ya next summer!
  3. Tree of Life, Terrence Malick
    I’ve appreciated all of his movies, but none more than The Thin Red Line. I love it, which is ironic. I first saw it as a young teen, expecting lots of action, and was disappointed. Now it’s helped me become a competitive non-blinker. Tree of Life‘s plot description on IMDB says something about a boy experiencing the loss of innocence. Thanks, volunteer speculator, let’s leave it at that.
  4. The World’s End, Edgar Wright
    The end of the Blood and Ice Cream Trilogy. I fear that Simon Pegg and crew are getting dangerously close to alienating their original fan base by venturing into American humor (Paul with Seth Rogen?), so hopefully The World’s End rings true for Shaun, Fuzz, and Spaced fans. Has something to do with the color green. Enough worrying.
  5. Trick’r Treat 2, Michael Dougherty
    The preview for Trick ‘r Treat (link is to a book) accompanied 300 in 2006. It was unceremoniously dumped on DVD this past October. And it’s utterly fantastic. Blame those stupid politics. Giving into a craving, I learned that Michael wants to do a sequel. And that’s all I’ll learn. See you at Halloween, Sam! If I don’t follow the rules…
  6. The Hobbit, Guillermo Del Toro
    May be a lost cause. I’ll need a diver’s suit to avoid the buzz. It’s deafeningly annoying online, and once the release date for the first part approaches, I’ll have to forfeit television (gladly!) and any interaction with fellow nerds. Then repeat in a year.
  7. 28 _____s Later, Danny Boyle (?)
    Giving in to temptation again, I found rumors that the 28 Days Later series will be rounding third sometime in the near future, even though the second didn’t leave many options open. If Danny returns, we could expect a gleefully sadistic return to form for the now internationally acclaimed Oscar winner. Not that Slumdog was bad, I just like his other stuff better. And he just seems like such a nice guy.

Honorable mentions:

  • Centurion, Neil Marshall
  • Hannibal the Conquerer, Vin Diesel (!)
  • Next Batman movie, Christopher Nolan (?)
  • Alien prequel, Ridley Scott
  • Halo, Someone, someday, maybe…
  • Tony Jaa’s American debut (?)
  • Next Terminator movie, McG (?)
  • Sergei Bodrov’s followups to Mongol
  • Guy Ritchie’s followups to Rock’nRolla

I’m sure I’ll scrounge up some more someday!

-Patrick, Schuler Books

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